Having read Michael Pollan's unquestionably well-intentioned, but also totally stupid Restaurant Rules, I had some sport at their expense — and who can blame me? But at least it can be said of Pollan that he tried. So it's on me to do the same. And so I have. Here are Ozersky's Restaurant Rules.
1. Go with sure bets. My entire philosophy of eating can be summed up in two words: sure bets. Sure bets make you happy. Sure bets protect you. Sure bets preserve your sanity and your solvency. Stick to sure bets. Go to the restaurant you know is good, on a night when it is likely to be good, and order the best dish, which you have had before. The essence of eating is not trying something the first time, any more than a relationship is not all about the first date. It's about food that feels good to you, food that makes you happy and relaxed and expectant inside. Leave the endless quest for novelty to gastrocrats and libertines. Obviously, you need some "strange," but your abiding love should be with a handful of trustworthy kitchens who will support you in your dark hours, and offer safe harbor in an uncaring and chaotic world.
2. Eating is believing. It doesn't matter what you've heard about a restaurant, or what the reviews say, or what the menu says, or anything else. All you can really ever know about a restaurant is what you eat there. That is the whole epistomological truth of restaurants. Remember when Conan's father tells the young barbarian that he can't trust anything in the world, and then points to his sword and says, "this you can trust"? Think of that sword as a fork.
3. Don't order fish in a steakhouse. Actually, a lot of steakhouses make good fish; some of them have better fish than steak. But the odds are against it. You aren't eating out every night and you don't have all the money in the world. You need to play the odds. When you ask a restaurant to step outside its core competency, you are putting it in a position to fail, and yourself in a black hole of disappointment and frustration. (See Rule Number One, above.) A lot of the people that you hear squawking about restaurants screwed themselves by ordering items outside the restaurant's sweet spot. If a place has three great dishes you are lucky. Most have one or two at best. Order them.
4. Always know the available balance. Always. And if you have any doubt at all about who's paying, offer to do so. You don't want people to say you have "alligator arms."
5. Plan for the aftermath. Don't eat big meals on a date. A magical, romantic, once-in-a-lifetime tasting menu at Le Bernardin or Meadowood will surely bond you with your woman if she has any spirit whatsoever. But if you are looking to consummate the magic, stick to sushi. This is an obvious fact ignored by men over forty at their own peril. There are no nightlong frolics on a full stomach.
6. Life is too short for platonic love affairs and savory desserts.
7. Spaghetti or steak. Don't order full pastas as a first course or a midcourse. If the pasta is any good at all the entree, the most substantial and expensive thing on the check will be DOA. You only get to be hungry once at a meal. Spend that hunger wisely. I was never truly happy at Michael White's restaurants until I learned that the chef set his treasures on the left and on the right, and that trying to have his garganelli with speck and radicchio in cream sauce and also his veal chop Victor Emmanuel made me hate eating, and myself.
8. Don't eat good meals with bad people. By bad, I don't necessarily mean evil. I mean people who will ruin your meal: scolds, vegans, complainers, drunks, frenemies, and the like. They call such people buzzkills for a reason. Chicken sandwiches are good enough for them.
9. Step up, or step out. Shreiking infants, rampaging toddlers, mook bellowing, and relationship tantrums are not acceptable under circumstances, for any reason. Leave immediately if one mars your meal. I am giving you permission. And if you are the cause of the problem, remove it and yourself immediately. No exceptions, no excuses, no apologies. It's a restaurant, not the Red Wedding.
10. The Rezzie Rule. Always make a reservation, always arrive on time, but never wait more than 30 minutes for any meal unless the chef is a Living National Treasure who could die at any time, like Dom DeMarco or Leah Chase.
Finally, to "Pollanate" this list with some of the ethical isues that were the whole point of the original list:
If you want seasonal, local food, don't expect to get a high-end restaurant experience. There are like 12 restaurants in the country that pull off that trick. If that. Here's the truth about seasonal, local food. It's only good if it's good, and it's usually not. So stone fruit, in Charleston, in summer? Great! Local lamb, in Colorado, in late spring? Awesome! But stone fruit in Colorado, in spring? Or lamb in Charleston, in winter? Meh. Eat good food and don't get carried away with where it's from. The California melon farmers need to pay their bills too.
If you are serious about avoiding animal cruelty, you can't eat any kind of white veal. I know, I love it too. But calves have red blood, unless somebody is feeding them on whey, so that they are basically made anemic to the point that they can barely walk. The only exception I know is Strauss veal, which has unlimited access to mother's milk, and even Strauss Veal isn't that off-white color we all know and love. Technically you shouldn't eat any commodity meat, but that would leave you eating at Husk and Gramercy Tavern three meals a day. But try to stay clear of the worst abusers, like Tyson, Smithfield, or any of the beef or dairy giants, like IBP. If you can. And unless you keep Kosher or Halal, don't eat kosher or halal beef or veal. The traditional slaughter techniques predate cruelty-free practice by quite a few years.
Feeling ethical? Tip well and take home what you don't eat. And don't talk about your moral choices. It's boorish and contrary to the spirit of morality. Pipe down and do the best you can. That's all that can reasonably be expected of anybody.
